Bedtime Decathalon

THE BEDTIME DECATHALON

EVENT 1: PRE-BATH
It's probably unusual that we kick off the nighttime ritual with a bath before dinner, but that's how we do it. It usually begins with a verbal warm up, where we talk about bathtime being up next on the agenda. Then we decide what dolls we're going to bring upstairs, what tub we're going to take a bath in, and what we're going to do after our bath.  The lead up to this can involve gillian being dragged by her ankles up the stairs (exaggeration) while screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE A BATH I WANT TO PLAY.

EVENT 2: BATH
The bath itself is not the soothing and adorable bath experience that parents of one child can appreciate.  This bath is any Whole Foods in Manhattan between 6-7pm.  It's the mall on the Saturday before Christmas.  It's sometimes one bath, sometimes two, with an occasional shower for the non-faint at heart (Paula gets Gillian to shower; I can't do it. Where is Bryce while this shower is happening?  I can't ask.) It's screaming from Gillian: "I DON'T WANT YOU TO WASH MY HAIR". It's standing and sitting and swimming and standing again from Bryce. "Bryce, I'm going to have a heart attack please sit down".

EVENT 3: POST BATH- IT'S STILL NOT OVER
This event begins with me officially announcing"BATHTIME IS OVER" and Gillian saying "NO" and then me fishing bryce out of the tub because he is nicer and easier to manhandle.  My next step is to pin him on the floor of the bathroom while applying 475 creams, lotions and potions to his special sensitive skin while he writhes in the agony of being removed from the bath when all he wants to do is play in there. Usually, I forget a diaper and have to run to his room, giving him a few moments of freedom where he thinks the torture is over. Gillian usually flops around in the bath until she feels like it, and then hops out and refuses to get dressed, or gets dressed backwards, and almost always refuses to let anyone brush her hair for more than 10 seconds. This is also where Gillian features the 2.5 minute diaper application 1-2x/week.



EVENT 4: DINNERTIME
Dinnertime is typically something that goes not horribly because I believe in starving my children and not providing snacks for them unless they are basically crying (Bryce) or explicitly ask (Gillian). Typically, Gillian refuses the concept of her first dinner, and then has to be bribed to eat something that isn't on her short list of "delicious dinners."  This list of approved, non-argumentative foods includes:
-chicken cutlet
-quesadilla
-pasta
-sweet potato fries
-grilled cheese

Therefore, we spend most nights negotiating and often place a proverbial "carrot" (ie you can eat this gross mini muffin filled with gross kale that you think is tasty if you eat dinner) in front of Gillian as a reminder that treats are only for people who finish dinner.

Bryce covers his formerly clean body and clothing from head to to with his dinner (which must always involve an avocado) and then ices the cake by smearing the rest of his meal all over his high chair and the floor.

The conclusion of this event is signaled by bryce trying to swan dive out of his high chair, and gillian announcing she's done and wants to play.

EVENT 5: STINKY TIME
Paula, being the genius that she is, figured out that if Gillian sits on the potty without interruption or distraction for 40 minutes, only then will the poor child go #2 in the potty.

At first, this was my favorite event of the bedtime decathalon, because she would declare that she wanted "privacy" and I would be forced to do something other than sit in the bathroom with her for forty minutes.  Then we figured out she doesn't real poop without coaching so that dream ended pretty quickly.

At this point, I am pretty sure that she has no intention of pooping at all, with or without company, and that she just goes because she knows we are weak and will probably let her watch YouTube for 40 minutes if she says she has to go.

EVENT 6: BRYCE'S BEDTIME
Bryce's bedtime ritual is a dream compared to the 7 part series that is putting Gillian to bed.  One unfortunate downside of his ritual is that there is always something that's medically/hygienically necessary and unpleasant to do before bedtime including:

• teeth brushing
• face and hand washing
• cream reapplication
• taking of tylenol (for teeth) or benadryl (for cold) - both are hated
• sucking of snot, which includes the torture of saline being shot up the nose and then boogies being sucked out with syringe.  terrible for everyone.

Once these things are completed and bryce is feeling TOTALLY RELAXED, we set out to finish what's left of Bryce's bottle and read a book.  Within 5 minutes, he is in his crib (with his lovie)!!! and rocking back and forth while crying just enough for me to feel bad for him. He usually falls asleep pretty quickly and then reawakens when Gillian starts yelling or crying during one of her other events.

EVENT 7: BRUSHING GILLIAN'S TEETH

This event is a short but painful power struggle between the adult who wants to actually brush her teeth, and Gillian who just wants to eat the toothpaste like it's ice cream.  No one wins.

EVENT 8: BOOK READING

This event is only short when Chad is at the helm, specifically because he skips every other page in whatever book he reads. I usually end up reading between 1-4 books, and on a good night, Gillian insists that i read "BUENOS NOCHES LUNA" which is, as you may have guessed, in Spanish. A language that I chose not to pursue learning.  Would have come in handy for this. 

EVENT 9: SHUTTING IT DOWN

At this point, we get the Hail Mary efforts to avoid bedtime: 

• I have to go stinky!
• I have to go pee pee!
• I forgot my baby downstairs!

Once these requests are honored or ignored, we:

• Turn on the white noise
• Turn on the music for the mobile
• Turn off the lights

Then we cuddle

• in the chair
• standing by the crib
• Chad throws a sing-a-long in there

EVENT 10: THE TUCK IN

At this point, you can taste the dinner you've been dying to eat for the last two hours of these bedtime charades. You can possibly make the last ten minutes of Access Hollywood. You are a few quick seconds away from laying down on your bed just to feel what it's like.

Patience is worn thin, but Gillian is an able competitor and this is her time to shine. 

"I want to put my hat on.  NO! I WILL DO IT! NOT YOU!"  (Pause for eternity while she selects which of the two identical hats she will wear on her head and then applies them in actual slow motion).

Usually, if she isn't laying down, we'll ask her to lay down so we can cover her.  Some nights, a game of chicken ensues, where she kneels in bed, refusing to lay down.  We threaten to leave if she doesn't lay down, and walk slowly towards the door.  At the last minute, Gillian typically dives down onto the pillow so that we'll come back and cover her.

Sometimes, she'll strike up a conversation:

"Mommy, do you love bagels?"

And sometimes, she'll really surprise you when you say, "Goodnight, gillian" and she says "goodnight mommy, I love you too!"

Then you turn around and just run for it.